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Well, hello there! How’ve ya been doing?

It’s been a long time. LOL! A lot has happened since I last updated this blog. I had moved out to a tiny little place calledLevan,Utah, only to find out that I had slumlords who wouldn’t fix anything, at least not properly… It was a bit of hell. And the landlady was too interested in my love life and who I had as friends. I can’t say she was totally wrong, but it still wasn’t any of her business. 🙂

And I’ve found a really great guy, but I’ll tell you more about him a little later. HAHA.

But just this past February I moved back into Nephi! I got one of my old landlords back, and he’s pretty cool, a little judgmental, but at least he’s not all up in my business. It’s a nice little place, and the best part, well, it can be at times, is that I live right across the street from the city park.

The kids are adjusting well, and are happier too. Wendy is getting so big! She can be a real doll, and a real drag. She’s got an attitude the size of Texas now, which is very frustrating at times. Nick also has a bit of an attitude, but he’s more of a little joker. He’s always testing his limits and boundaries. I’ll call to him to change his bum or put clothes on, and he runs in the opposite direction! It’s good for a laugh… Once in a while…

Nick’s vocabulary has expanded quite a bit, but he’s in no hurry to talk clearly yet. LOL. He’s always speaking in what has been called “Babinese” (babe-in-knees). It’s more like mumbling to me, but he knows how to get his message across to me. Wendy never stops talking, and is quite loud. I hope one day that she quiets down, even if she never stops moving and exercising her mouth muscles. Her biggest vice is that she never gets to see her daddy as much as she’d like to.

Ah, we’ve moved onto the topic of the EX. Yay! NOT! Ha-ha… He’s not as big a pain in the bum as he used to be, nor am I as afraid of him as I used to be either, but I sure wouldn’t want to get anywhere near him in private. We finished up the whole court thing a few months ago, and to everyone’s big surprise, he got off scott free. Yup, found not guilty of domestic assault and attempted check forgery. It’s an injustice to the judicial system, and a personal injustice to me. Stupid, stupid judge, I don’t know what her problem is, but she must be as blind as a bat to not see what he did to me. Now he’s got an even bigger attitude and ego, knowing that he can get away with things like this.

He doesn’t take the kids as much anymore, much to Wendy’s dismay, and my delight. It has been really frustrating for me, cause she’ll start whining and crying, and throwing fits about not getting to see her daddy. She thinks he doesn’t love her anymore cause he never sees her. I say, “Daddy loves you Wendy, even if he’s sick or busy with your older brother Jeff.” I’m so sick and tired of lying to her. He doesn’t want to take her, she’s an inconvenience to him. She keeps him from doing the fun things, like going to the dunes, or for bigger quad rides that she’s too little for. He had been taking her almost every weekend last year, but right after Christmas, he got busy again.

He’s only taken Nick a few times since we split, and that’s fine with me. George hates changing diapers, and the few times he did take Nick, Nick would always come back with a horrid diaper rash, and a very full diaper. It’s sad really, the kids are really pretty good, but he has his excuses, and everyone else makes up excuses for him as to why he’s just not cut out to be a daddy. His health for one, his age for another… Bah. Excuses are like bumholes, everyone’s got one, it’s just that some are stinkier than others.

Oh my… Am I complaining? Sorry about that. LOL. Let’s move on.

So, about this really great guy I mentioned earlier? Yeah. He’s all that. AND the bag of chips. 🙂

Grant has turned our world upside down, but in a very good way. He’s got his stuff (gotta keep the language clean, lol) put together. He’s got two jobs that he loves, and he’s a pretty down to Earth kinda guy. We’ve been dating/seeing each other for a month now, and I’m telling you, I’m so head over heels for Grant it’s not funny. My kids like him too. Now, don’t go starting things about me involving him in my kids lives so soon, it’s not as if I have the ability to pull money out of my bum to pay for a babysitter, but in quite a few ways its been a good start to things with Grant.

He’s already been around long enough to witness some of the cute moments, the melt-down moments, the cold-food moments, the interrupted-sleep moments, the late-night moments, the early-waking moments, the stink-bomb moments, the embarrassing-word/story moments, the I’m-not-going-to-eat-that! moments, the very-loud-screaming-matches moments, the mind-numbing cartoon moments, and the food-on-the-floor moments. Actually, he’s handled it all very well. Whew, that’s a long list, but I think I mentioned all the really big ones. If I left anything out, feel free to comment below.

Grant has more patience than me most days, or so I’d like to believe. He’s learning how to do a lot of things that would send most normal, child(ren)-free men running for the hills. He’s even tackled diaper changing, and is, in less than a month, getting to be pretty good at it. I’m impressed. LOL!

Ah, your wondering how we met? Well, just like any normal couple in these modern days, on a dating website. Seriously! J He just messaged me late one Friday night, and I replied. He sent me a couple of pictures of him through text messaging, and though he was cute in his pictures, I was so totally NOT prepared for the man who showed up to the park later that same Friday! It was all I could do to keep my mouth shut and jaw off the dirt at the park. His pictures did NOT do him any justice. Grant is HOT! J Ha-ha! He’ll probably either blush, or laugh if he ever reads this blog, but it’s all good. He’s hot enough that I don’t even think about looking at other guys. He’s got these gorgeous piercing blue eyes that just sparkle when he’s happy, which is like 99% of the time.

I’ve also met his parents, to whom I think I was more scared to introduce him to my parents, and they are just absolutely wonderful. Grant and his parents saved my bum this Easter weekend. I’ve lost all track of time (except the length of how long we’ve known each other), and forgot Easter completely. Bad mommy… Oops. Grants parents bought Wendy and Nick Easter baskets, and hid a few eggs in the backyard for an Easter egg hunt. Not only did the kids love it, but so did Grant and his mother. Grant led Nicky around the backyard and between him and his mother, helped him search for eggs, and had a blast doing it.

Wow, this is a long blog… Gotta catch my breath… Ha-ha! I don’t think I’ve typed this much in a while, at least not on a computer. Grant and I text all the time, as the cell reception in his basement apartment sucks bum, and I mean it sucks the big one! I can barely get a 3G signal down there on my iPad, let alone get any kind of cell phone service!!! .\_/. Grrr…

I can’t seem to get enough of Grant in my life. Nick’s gotten pretty attached to him too. I honestly believe that Nick has seen more of Grant in the last month than he’s ever seen of his own father. My friends have all been telling me of just how much I’ve changed, pretty much overnight since I met Grant. He’s put a smile back on my face, a sparkle in my eyes, and a skip in my heartbeat. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. I am always checking my phone to see if Grant has texted me, and when he does, I’m quick to check it, and so excited that I practically squeal with delight! I feel kinda like a teenager again! My mind does at least. My body protests everyday!

I’m going to try and post a few pictures here, lets see if I can remember how to do it correctly. If your friends with me on Facebook then you’ve already seen them, but I enjoy sharing the pictures whenever I can. LOL!

Grant and I. 🙂

Grant took the kids and I to the Festival of Colors a couple of weeks ago, and we all had a blast. We got a lot more colorful after this picture was taken. 🙂

Grant leading Nicky around to look for Easter eggs.

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Double Blog Post Today! :)

I just realized that I only hit on one topic in my last blog post! Oh my, forgetful me! LOL!

The kids and I have recently moved out on our own! Many thanks to my mom and dad for helping us out when we had nowhere else to go and letting us stay with them temporarily! It’s been quite an adjustment, and it’s still an ongoing adjustment period for both myself and the kids. The move has given the kids and I a little more freedom, and we are just soaking it all up and having fun. We go for more walks to the park and around the neighborhood, and now that I have my 4-wheeler out here at the house, more 4-wheeler rides up into the canyons! Wendy and I have missed the rides, and Nick’s really just now getting to know the fun of getting out and not being strapped in a carseat the whole time and not being able to see anything but sky through the back window of the car. He sits infront of me, wearing Wendy’s old 1+ bike helmet, with a sturdy baby sling acting as a seat belt that buckles him to me. Then Wendy sits behind me (where I have a seat that’s surrounded by sturdy weather proof ATV storage bags)with her 3+ Dora helmet on, and just sits back and enjoys the ride! It’s so much fun to share these experiences with my kids!

Ok, here’s another update! Nick is almost 14 months old! Jeez! How did time pass that quickly? It still seems like I was just pregnant with that little bugger! He’s growing so fast! And he’s super smart! He’s trying so hard to talk, trying to string sentences together, I can almost understand him! Seriously! He’s even figured out (either on hs own, or by watching Wendy or myself) that when he shreds paper (or the like) its supposed to go in the trash! Wendy herself had that all figured out by 13 months too!

MEMORY: Wendy was 13 months old, and George and I had given Wendy some newspaper to shred and have fun playing with, but when we noticed she was done playing, we told her that the paper had to go in the trash can. She gathered up two little chubby handfuls of paper and took them to the trash can, which was in the kitchen, a room away from where she’d made her mess. After about 3 trips of taking the paper to the trashcan, she brought the trashcan to the shredded paper!!! Boy, were George and I surprised! We just laughed with sheer delight at the way she had solved a simple problem of making one trip instead of multiple trips!!

Everyday Nick surprises me. He has one heck of a healthy appetite. For breakfast I’ll mix 4oz of puree’d baby food with rice cereal until it has a thick consistency, he eats that, then will eat a full bowl of my cereal (which means I have to eat 2 bowls of cereal. Then for lunch I usually make him a PB&J sandwich, on just one slice of bread.  Any more than that and he just plays with it. Then for dinner I usually make another sandwich, only this time I make a grilled cheeser, and he wolfs 3/4’s of it down. Snacks are a harder thing to provide as I don’t have the extra income to buy all the crackers the kids could want to eat, but when I do have them, he’ll eat a handful and then come back for more in about an hour or so.

Then I have to wonder, with an appetite like that, and his constant mover and shaker little self, is it really something I have to be worried about like the professionals and be worried about him that he isn’t gaining weight like he should be? Nah. I’m not worried. He’s healthy, albeit he’s a small kid. His daddy isn’t very big either, and neither am I. George and I both have smaller builds, and we come from families that have smaller people in them. I have a rare exception in my family, my little brother is something like 5’11 with a bigger build. Both of my grandmothers never grew taller than 4’11”.

He’s still a momma’s boy though, through and through. He wants to be held a majority of the time, and still loves to cuddle with me, and needs to have me in his line of sight 97% of the time too. The only thing I struggle with is the fact that he’s a co-sleeper. I sleep on a twin mattress and there’s barely enough room for the both of us, and he’s forever trying to push me out of bed. LOL! I almost always have a fist in my face, or knees in my back and/or ribs, and toes wedged in my butt crack somehow. It’s all good though, he still needs me, and I’m ok with this. What is it called? Attachment Parenting? I’ll have to look that one up, but I’m pretty sure that’s what it is.

Well, it’s time to go to bed, or else I’ll never get up with the kids! Good Night All (Or should I say Good Morning?)

Family! What does it mean?

What do most normal people think of when they think of their family? I’m not totally sure, but I think it’s, love, happiness, friendships, support for when times have gone wrong… A place to go when bad things happen, people who love you unconditionally.

I thought that was what I was getting to know about my family… My mom and I fought like cats and dogs, as if there were two queen bees in the same hive, and all of society knows that doesn’t work. My dad and I? I don’t remember, he was always at work. My younger oldest brother and I did NOT get along period. My youngest brother just stayed away from me from what I can remember. My sister and I had times of off and on again friendships.

I thought all that changed when I got pregnant with my daughter in 2007. I started developing real relationships with my siblings for the first time in my life. I also thought I was starting a decent parent daughter relationship. I know we are all human and no ones perfect, but seriously?

I feel like I’m being stabbed in the back over and over again right now by certain members of my family. So what if something went wrong in my life, it doesn’t make it right for you to judge me and not the other person!

Haunted by the memories of what used to be…

I sincerely wish that there was a way to turn back time to keep certain things from happening.

I’m truely haunted by the many happiest moments wherever I go these days and it makes me just want to break down and cry. I never wanted any of this to happen. I wish my family wasn’t so broken.

I want to run to him and hug him and make things better, but I can’t. Now he’s facing real time in jail and my heart just breaks! I don’t know if Wendy will ever understand this for a long time. She just wants her daddy.

I just want my husband.

But I can’t fix this. I can’t fix any of it.

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A little world full of hurt…

When they say divorce isn’t a fun thing to experience, they aren’t kidding, but it only gets worse when there are little ones involved who just want to see their daddy. Nicholas, my littlest one, doesn’t know his daddy. My soon to be ex-husband really doesn’t seem to want to have much to do with him at all.

What do you say to a 3 year old who absolutely adores her daddy? What do you do when you run into the father with the little ones, whom you just can’t leave behind? It hurts so badly to see the hurt and pain in my little girls eyes, and the tears running down her cheeks as she screams for her daddy just kills me inside. Why does it have to be so hard for my little ones? Why can’t I have at least a few good answers for her as to why her daddy doesn’t want to spend time with her?

When it hurts her, it hurts me, and I can’t stand seeing her cry over her fathers loss of a bond with his daughter. Sure, he’ll spend time with his older son, and have fun going out to the sand dunes and riding their Hondas all day and half the night, or work on cars and 4-wheelers… He tells me he has no time to take care of the kids in any way shape or form, but I know for a fact that he rarely gets off the couch unless it’s something that benefits him. It’s what he did when we were together. He lays on the couch, getting up only to go to the bathroom, cook some food, go out for a smoke, or to go have some fun riding his 4-wheeler.

And then for me it’s either a game of “I Love You” or “I Hate You”… It’s all mixed up and jumbled. It occurred to me roughly a year ago that I didn’t love him quite the same way I used too, it was almost in fact as if I hadn’t loved him for a while. I just didn’t know what to make of it. The good times were vanishing fast, being replaced by lots of arguing, silent treatment, and sleepless nights where words that were said in anger became totally twisted and completely used in the wrong way.

I put a lot of work into my marriage, I don’t think I would have left from a lack of love, because in some small way I did love him, while I didn’t at the same time. It sounds stupid, but like I said, I didn’t know what to make of it, and I was confused. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met him, much less a marriage, I just wanted to have a baby, and he was willing to help me out. It sound terrible, but it’s the truth. I lost a lot when I left my husband. I lost my computer repair business, some of my happiness, but most of all, I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was when I left, all I knew was that I had to protect my kids. It has taken a few months to see the cycle I was repeatedly going through. And a lot of time in counseling. Thank heavens for a good counselor!

I went through my phases of denial, grief, mourning, and then acceptance. I don’t want to be loved one day and not the next. I have been adjusting well to being a single mom to two little kids. All I need to do now is find an apartment, get the kids settled, get the divorce moving (and hopefully finished ASAP), and hopefully find some peace in our lives.

I have a feeling that my kids are going to need some serious counseling as they grow up, because I know for a fact that I am NOT going to have all the answers. I wish I did though, for every thing that’s going to try and knock us down.

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