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I couldn’t look at him yesterday. I couldn’t breathe yesterday. It was all I could do to keep from passing out all morning. I knew what to expect from having been in court before on other reasons, but I couldn’t help the way I felt. Scared, trapped, helpless… The only thing that struck me as odd, maybe even funny… His ex-wife was there too. I didn’t know what to make of it either. I didn’t know if I should laugh, or scream, for reasons unknown I wanted to scream – they’d been divorced for 20 some odd years, and everything that came out about her was nasty things – too which I felt sorry for her yesterday.

I honestly wish that George and I had been more compatible. One of the reasons I couldn’t look at him was because I still love him very much. I was truly hoping to spend the rest of his life with him, knowing that I wouldn’t have minded the eventual outcome of having to push him everywhere in a wheelchair didn’t matter. I thought I was going to loose him back in the Spring of 2009, when he got up one night to find his leg had gone numb. I’d never been around anything like it before in my life, but I knew instantly what it was. A blood clot. I don’t know if I had been more scared of anything in my life before… But yesterday just floored me.

I knew with just one glance at him as I exited the elevator how haunted he was too, but I also could see the anger and resentment in his eyes. I think the one thing he’s most haunted over is not being able to see his kids.

I told the truth on the stand (so help me God), telling the judge about everything I could remember in my state of fear and anxiety. I also told the judge that he was a decent father, and that he should be able to see his kids. I didn’t care about unsupervised visits with Wendy, but I felt strongly in the need of setting up supervised visits for Nicholas, due to his age, and the fact that George isn’t much of an infant person, and doesn’t deal well with babies on his own.

When I had finished telling my side, he got his turn, twisting the truth to fit his own twisted version of what had happened. It was sick and dark, making it sound as if we hit ‘each other’ often enough anyway. He kept shooting me “looks”, but again, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of looking at him.

I hated every minute we were in that courtroom. It just didn’t seem fair… The judge heard our sides, and that of the two witnesses I had there, and after his break, he announced that there would be no official ruling that day, but we would receive a ruling in 21 days. The temporary protection order would stay in effect until the judge made his decision. Again, George cannot have any parental contact with our children, and it saddened me to hear that. Wendy wants to see her daddy so bad she can’t see straight and often wakes up with night terrors asking for her daddy.

I don’t know what else to tell her except that her daddy is on a trip for the next few weeks, but will be coming home after he’s done with his trip. She doesn’t seem to understand, and it’s breaking my heart to see her cry for her daddy. The only thing that saddens me more than seeing my little girl cry, is knowing George didn’t fight harder with the judge to maybe get him to sway on the No Parental Contact part of the protection order.

I wish I knew what to do or say to my little girl to help her better understand whats going on. 😦


They are growing up so fast!

It seems like only yesterday that I was rejoycing over a positive pregnancy test way back in March of 2007, and now I’m starting to get ready to celebrate my second child’s first birthday! I wish I could slow time down or even stop it for a little while! Wendy is 3 years old, and so smart, so beautiful! Nick is 10.5 months old and will be turning 1 on March 26th, and hes so smart, and very handsome! I am a very biased mother, and like all others, I think my kids are the best of the best.

Becoming a mother was the best thing to happen to me in my life. I had wanted to be a mother since I was about 16 years old. These two kids have shaped and defined me in ways I can’t even begin to understand, and to them I will forever be grateful. Before I became pregnant with my daughter in 2007, my family and I didn’t get along at all. My parents and I didn’t see eye to eye on anything, and my younger siblings hated my guts. I had put my family through a lot of hard times, and they wanted nothing to do with me. My sister thought that I would give up on being a mom because she thought that I would find it too hard to deal with. I’m glad now that I was able to earn her respect, along with my brothers as well. I do know that becoming a mother to my daughter has helped me grow up mentally and emotionally, and bringing Nick into this world has only helped to reinforce that. There are days when I feel much older than my age of 30. Then there are days where I feel like I’m 23 again, thanks to my kids.

I love it when my kids continually impress people with the things they say, do, or show them. It was just last week, last Wednesday night when I witnessed my son taking his first unnassisted steps! It amazed me at just how perfect these little beings are, and how wonderfully they have enriched my life. They are always making me smile and laugh, and sometimes they even make me cry.

At 10.5 months Nick knows what the words hungry, cracker, kisses, mommy and Wendy are, and will let me know by crying a little after I say the word hungry, come running when he hears the word cracker for a munchie, and will lean into give me kisses when I ask for them, and when asked where mommy or Wendy is, will look in our directions, or reach out for us.

At the same age Wendy knew these things too, plus knew where her nose eyes, mouth and belly button were. I’ve been working with Nick for him to learn these things too, but I know all kids develop differently. Wendy didn’t walk until she was 13 months old, and Nick’s going to have her beat if he just learns how to let go!

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. They are my very reason for being, and the best things that have ever happened in my life!!

This is Wendy from Birth to 2.5 years old:

This is Nick at birth:

And Nick now:

**The top picture is a picture of me with my two kids, Wendy and Nick (Nick was about 3 weeks old in this picture)

Sour Skittles – Sweet and Sour Reflections

I love Sour Skittles. Really. 😀 Those rainbow colored candies just make me smile… And my mouth pucker! Lol, I once asked a friend what candy he thought I was most like, and I was told, “Sour Skittles”. It’s stuck as a nickname for various web sites I visit, one such being the BabyCenter.com site. On there I’m known as SourSkittles+2.

It’s pretty much just me and my two kids now. There’s me, Kimberly, my 3 year old, Wendy, and my soon to be 1 year old, Nicholas. Their dad is having a hard time dealing with the fact that he and I are separated, and headed towards divorce, so for some reason he just doesn’t want to spend time with the kids. It’s sad, but I don’t know what to do about it.

My kids are my world, my life, my reason for living. Although at times I want to (as one of my friends posted on a site) “put my 3 year old out by the curb with a FREE sign stapled to her shirt”, I love the little monster dearly. Another friend calls this stage the “Trysome Threes”. Yikes! Lol! She’s a great kid with a great personality, but a very LOUD voice. My 10 month old is something else! He’s a mama’s boy through and through, and although I enjoy it for the most part, he can make getting things done difficult. It’s like when I put him on the floor to wash out a bottle or run back to my room to grab something I need, he just starts screaming because all he wants is for mommy to hold him.

I can’t believe he’s almost one. Time has flown by so fast! I feel as if I was pregnant with him just days ago! It’s also hard to believe I have a 3 year old too. As I look back over the last 10 years of my life, I am amazed that the best things didn’t start happening to me until about 4 years ago this March, when I realized I was pregnant with my daughter. Everything I knew or thought I knew about life went out the window the day she was born. Such a miracle! To start out smaller than the period at the end of this sentence to grow and develop into a five and a half pound perfect baby girl… Unbelievable!

2010 was a good year, it had a great start with my son’s arrival into this world, but it ended badly. Two days before Christmas I left my husband because he lost his temper for being asked to help make a bottle, and ended up attacking me with my (at the time 8 month old) son in my arms. He’s fine, I’m fine, but emotionally, I’m hurting so badly inside. I miss my husband terribly, but I don’t miss the insults, the fights, the emotional roller coaster ride. I hate being alone without him, but I’m not going to put up with it anymore. I’m not saying that it’s all his fault, because it’s not. I’m an imperfect being, who, when my feelings were hurt, hurt him back too. I wish I could go back and change it, but no one has invented a time machine yet.

But on a happier note, my son isn’t far from taking his first steps on his own! It’s going to be absolutely crazy once he figures out the whole walking thing, my life will never be the same. But I’m so excited about it!

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