Just another WordPress.com site

Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

Tempus Fugit!!

**I’m sorry it has taken me so long to write a new blog post. I’ve been struggling emotionally with several things and my time has been taken up with my two kids, and moving.**

It’s amazing how fast time has flown by. It has been almost 5 months now since I left George. Its been a hard few months adjusting to life with out him around, and I have to say that it has been a happier time all around. There are no more fights about money, kids, cars, computers… It’s been nice, honestly.

I have been told that there is nothing wrong with keeping the picture around for the kid’s memories, and for me to remember too, but it still hurts to much to look at the pictures. So for now the majority of them stay in the box, packed away for when I can better handle looking at the past 4 years. I have a few pictures of the four of us scattered around the house, and on occasion I will find myself staring at the pictures, wishing my life hadn’t changed, and that we were still a family. I do miss George, but I don’t miss who he had really become in the last couple years of our relationship.

But life has changed. Although he wasn’t the one who completely changed everything (I share some of the responsibility too…), he sure was the one who pushed the bigger changes into happening. And although I’m jealous of some of the changes, I get to have a better time in life getting to know the two, absolutely awesome individuals he helped bring into this world. He’s missing out, and I feel sorry for him.

But the things I don’t understand are why he would hold his grudges with me against the kids… Wendy loves her daddy, and misses him so terribly, its almost like watching a druggie go through withdrawals, waiting for the next hit of the drug that makes them feel goo, special even. But his visitations are few and far between, and it’s hitting Wendy like a ton of bricks. I hate watching my 3 year old daughter cry for her daddy, only to be dissapointed time and time again. Just recently she spent over an hour crying for her daddy, to be so close to seeing and spending time with him, but only to be told that Mommy needs to suck it up and deal with it.

Sure, I HAVE to deal with it. So what? I’m Mom, I’m ALWAYS going to have to deal with stuff like this.

But why in Heaven’s name does our 3 year old daughter have to deal with the fact that daddy is still too mad at mommy to realize that his little girl needs him, and needs him badly??? His 4-wheeler trip to Moab with his 30 year old son and his son’s wife was more important than his little girl, which is so sad and immature. It’s almost as if he’s reliving his 20’s and 30’s all over again, where he actually did this to his now 30 year old son too. But would his 30 year old son actually admit to this fact? Probably not. They both hate me. His son wants nothing to do with his little half siblings, and you know what? That’s just fine with me. Wendy does see her older half brother from time to time, as their daddy spends lots and lots of time at his son’s work place, and Wendy goes with her daddy to her older brother’s work place when she’s with George.

Court…

I couldn’t look at him yesterday. I couldn’t breathe yesterday. It was all I could do to keep from passing out all morning. I knew what to expect from having been in court before on other reasons, but I couldn’t help the way I felt. Scared, trapped, helpless… The only thing that struck me as odd, maybe even funny… His ex-wife was there too. I didn’t know what to make of it either. I didn’t know if I should laugh, or scream, for reasons unknown I wanted to scream – they’d been divorced for 20 some odd years, and everything that came out about her was nasty things – too which I felt sorry for her yesterday.

I honestly wish that George and I had been more compatible. One of the reasons I couldn’t look at him was because I still love him very much. I was truly hoping to spend the rest of his life with him, knowing that I wouldn’t have minded the eventual outcome of having to push him everywhere in a wheelchair didn’t matter. I thought I was going to loose him back in the Spring of 2009, when he got up one night to find his leg had gone numb. I’d never been around anything like it before in my life, but I knew instantly what it was. A blood clot. I don’t know if I had been more scared of anything in my life before… But yesterday just floored me.

I knew with just one glance at him as I exited the elevator how haunted he was too, but I also could see the anger and resentment in his eyes. I think the one thing he’s most haunted over is not being able to see his kids.

I told the truth on the stand (so help me God), telling the judge about everything I could remember in my state of fear and anxiety. I also told the judge that he was a decent father, and that he should be able to see his kids. I didn’t care about unsupervised visits with Wendy, but I felt strongly in the need of setting up supervised visits for Nicholas, due to his age, and the fact that George isn’t much of an infant person, and doesn’t deal well with babies on his own.

When I had finished telling my side, he got his turn, twisting the truth to fit his own twisted version of what had happened. It was sick and dark, making it sound as if we hit ‘each other’ often enough anyway. He kept shooting me “looks”, but again, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of looking at him.

I hated every minute we were in that courtroom. It just didn’t seem fair… The judge heard our sides, and that of the two witnesses I had there, and after his break, he announced that there would be no official ruling that day, but we would receive a ruling in 21 days. The temporary protection order would stay in effect until the judge made his decision. Again, George cannot have any parental contact with our children, and it saddened me to hear that. Wendy wants to see her daddy so bad she can’t see straight and often wakes up with night terrors asking for her daddy.

I don’t know what else to tell her except that her daddy is on a trip for the next few weeks, but will be coming home after he’s done with his trip. She doesn’t seem to understand, and it’s breaking my heart to see her cry for her daddy. The only thing that saddens me more than seeing my little girl cry, is knowing George didn’t fight harder with the judge to maybe get him to sway on the No Parental Contact part of the protection order.

I wish I knew what to do or say to my little girl to help her better understand whats going on. 😦

They are growing up so fast!

It seems like only yesterday that I was rejoycing over a positive pregnancy test way back in March of 2007, and now I’m starting to get ready to celebrate my second child’s first birthday! I wish I could slow time down or even stop it for a little while! Wendy is 3 years old, and so smart, so beautiful! Nick is 10.5 months old and will be turning 1 on March 26th, and hes so smart, and very handsome! I am a very biased mother, and like all others, I think my kids are the best of the best.

Becoming a mother was the best thing to happen to me in my life. I had wanted to be a mother since I was about 16 years old. These two kids have shaped and defined me in ways I can’t even begin to understand, and to them I will forever be grateful. Before I became pregnant with my daughter in 2007, my family and I didn’t get along at all. My parents and I didn’t see eye to eye on anything, and my younger siblings hated my guts. I had put my family through a lot of hard times, and they wanted nothing to do with me. My sister thought that I would give up on being a mom because she thought that I would find it too hard to deal with. I’m glad now that I was able to earn her respect, along with my brothers as well. I do know that becoming a mother to my daughter has helped me grow up mentally and emotionally, and bringing Nick into this world has only helped to reinforce that. There are days when I feel much older than my age of 30. Then there are days where I feel like I’m 23 again, thanks to my kids.

I love it when my kids continually impress people with the things they say, do, or show them. It was just last week, last Wednesday night when I witnessed my son taking his first unnassisted steps! It amazed me at just how perfect these little beings are, and how wonderfully they have enriched my life. They are always making me smile and laugh, and sometimes they even make me cry.

At 10.5 months Nick knows what the words hungry, cracker, kisses, mommy and Wendy are, and will let me know by crying a little after I say the word hungry, come running when he hears the word cracker for a munchie, and will lean into give me kisses when I ask for them, and when asked where mommy or Wendy is, will look in our directions, or reach out for us.

At the same age Wendy knew these things too, plus knew where her nose eyes, mouth and belly button were. I’ve been working with Nick for him to learn these things too, but I know all kids develop differently. Wendy didn’t walk until she was 13 months old, and Nick’s going to have her beat if he just learns how to let go!

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. They are my very reason for being, and the best things that have ever happened in my life!!

This is Wendy from Birth to 2.5 years old:

This is Nick at birth:

And Nick now:

**The top picture is a picture of me with my two kids, Wendy and Nick (Nick was about 3 weeks old in this picture)

Tag Cloud