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I couldn’t look at him yesterday. I couldn’t breathe yesterday. It was all I could do to keep from passing out all morning. I knew what to expect from having been in court before on other reasons, but I couldn’t help the way I felt. Scared, trapped, helpless… The only thing that struck me as odd, maybe even funny… His ex-wife was there too. I didn’t know what to make of it either. I didn’t know if I should laugh, or scream, for reasons unknown I wanted to scream – they’d been divorced for 20 some odd years, and everything that came out about her was nasty things – too which I felt sorry for her yesterday.

I honestly wish that George and I had been more compatible. One of the reasons I couldn’t look at him was because I still love him very much. I was truly hoping to spend the rest of his life with him, knowing that I wouldn’t have minded the eventual outcome of having to push him everywhere in a wheelchair didn’t matter. I thought I was going to loose him back in the Spring of 2009, when he got up one night to find his leg had gone numb. I’d never been around anything like it before in my life, but I knew instantly what it was. A blood clot. I don’t know if I had been more scared of anything in my life before… But yesterday just floored me.

I knew with just one glance at him as I exited the elevator how haunted he was too, but I also could see the anger and resentment in his eyes. I think the one thing he’s most haunted over is not being able to see his kids.

I told the truth on the stand (so help me God), telling the judge about everything I could remember in my state of fear and anxiety. I also told the judge that he was a decent father, and that he should be able to see his kids. I didn’t care about unsupervised visits with Wendy, but I felt strongly in the need of setting up supervised visits for Nicholas, due to his age, and the fact that George isn’t much of an infant person, and doesn’t deal well with babies on his own.

When I had finished telling my side, he got his turn, twisting the truth to fit his own twisted version of what had happened. It was sick and dark, making it sound as if we hit ‘each other’ often enough anyway. He kept shooting me “looks”, but again, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of looking at him.

I hated every minute we were in that courtroom. It just didn’t seem fair… The judge heard our sides, and that of the two witnesses I had there, and after his break, he announced that there would be no official ruling that day, but we would receive a ruling in 21 days. The temporary protection order would stay in effect until the judge made his decision. Again, George cannot have any parental contact with our children, and it saddened me to hear that. Wendy wants to see her daddy so bad she can’t see straight and often wakes up with night terrors asking for her daddy.

I don’t know what else to tell her except that her daddy is on a trip for the next few weeks, but will be coming home after he’s done with his trip. She doesn’t seem to understand, and it’s breaking my heart to see her cry for her daddy. The only thing that saddens me more than seeing my little girl cry, is knowing George didn’t fight harder with the judge to maybe get him to sway on the No Parental Contact part of the protection order.

I wish I knew what to do or say to my little girl to help her better understand whats going on. 😦


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