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When they say divorce isn’t a fun thing to experience, they aren’t kidding, but it only gets worse when there are little ones involved who just want to see their daddy. Nicholas, my littlest one, doesn’t know his daddy. My soon to be ex-husband really doesn’t seem to want to have much to do with him at all.

What do you say to a 3 year old who absolutely adores her daddy? What do you do when you run into the father with the little ones, whom you just can’t leave behind? It hurts so badly to see the hurt and pain in my little girls eyes, and the tears running down her cheeks as she screams for her daddy just kills me inside. Why does it have to be so hard for my little ones? Why can’t I have at least a few good answers for her as to why her daddy doesn’t want to spend time with her?

When it hurts her, it hurts me, and I can’t stand seeing her cry over her fathers loss of a bond with his daughter. Sure, he’ll spend time with his older son, and have fun going out to the sand dunes and riding their Hondas all day and half the night, or work on cars and 4-wheelers… He tells me he has no time to take care of the kids in any way shape or form, but I know for a fact that he rarely gets off the couch unless it’s something that benefits him. It’s what he did when we were together. He lays on the couch, getting up only to go to the bathroom, cook some food, go out for a smoke, or to go have some fun riding his 4-wheeler.

And then for me it’s either a game of “I Love You” or “I Hate You”… It’s all mixed up and jumbled. It occurred to me roughly a year ago that I didn’t love him quite the same way I used too, it was almost in fact as if I hadn’t loved him for a while. I just didn’t know what to make of it. The good times were vanishing fast, being replaced by lots of arguing, silent treatment, and sleepless nights where words that were said in anger became totally twisted and completely used in the wrong way.

I put a lot of work into my marriage, I don’t think I would have left from a lack of love, because in some small way I did love him, while I didn’t at the same time. It sounds stupid, but like I said, I didn’t know what to make of it, and I was confused. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met him, much less a marriage, I just wanted to have a baby, and he was willing to help me out. It sound terrible, but it’s the truth. I lost a lot when I left my husband. I lost my computer repair business, some of my happiness, but most of all, I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was when I left, all I knew was that I had to protect my kids. It has taken a few months to see the cycle I was repeatedly going through. And a lot of time in counseling. Thank heavens for a good counselor!

I went through my phases of denial, grief, mourning, and then acceptance. I don’t want to be loved one day and not the next. I have been adjusting well to being a single mom to two little kids. All I need to do now is find an apartment, get the kids settled, get the divorce moving (and hopefully finished ASAP), and hopefully find some peace in our lives.

I have a feeling that my kids are going to need some serious counseling as they grow up, because I know for a fact that I am NOT going to have all the answers. I wish I did though, for every thing that’s going to try and knock us down.


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