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Archive for March, 2011

Family! What does it mean?

What do most normal people think of when they think of their family? I’m not totally sure, but I think it’s, love, happiness, friendships, support for when times have gone wrong… A place to go when bad things happen, people who love you unconditionally.

I thought that was what I was getting to know about my family… My mom and I fought like cats and dogs, as if there were two queen bees in the same hive, and all of society knows that doesn’t work. My dad and I? I don’t remember, he was always at work. My younger oldest brother and I did NOT get along period. My youngest brother just stayed away from me from what I can remember. My sister and I had times of off and on again friendships.

I thought all that changed when I got pregnant with my daughter in 2007. I started developing real relationships with my siblings for the first time in my life. I also thought I was starting a decent parent daughter relationship. I know we are all human and no ones perfect, but seriously?

I feel like I’m being stabbed in the back over and over again right now by certain members of my family. So what if something went wrong in my life, it doesn’t make it right for you to judge me and not the other person!

Court…

I couldn’t look at him yesterday. I couldn’t breathe yesterday. It was all I could do to keep from passing out all morning. I knew what to expect from having been in court before on other reasons, but I couldn’t help the way I felt. Scared, trapped, helpless… The only thing that struck me as odd, maybe even funny… His ex-wife was there too. I didn’t know what to make of it either. I didn’t know if I should laugh, or scream, for reasons unknown I wanted to scream – they’d been divorced for 20 some odd years, and everything that came out about her was nasty things – too which I felt sorry for her yesterday.

I honestly wish that George and I had been more compatible. One of the reasons I couldn’t look at him was because I still love him very much. I was truly hoping to spend the rest of his life with him, knowing that I wouldn’t have minded the eventual outcome of having to push him everywhere in a wheelchair didn’t matter. I thought I was going to loose him back in the Spring of 2009, when he got up one night to find his leg had gone numb. I’d never been around anything like it before in my life, but I knew instantly what it was. A blood clot. I don’t know if I had been more scared of anything in my life before… But yesterday just floored me.

I knew with just one glance at him as I exited the elevator how haunted he was too, but I also could see the anger and resentment in his eyes. I think the one thing he’s most haunted over is not being able to see his kids.

I told the truth on the stand (so help me God), telling the judge about everything I could remember in my state of fear and anxiety. I also told the judge that he was a decent father, and that he should be able to see his kids. I didn’t care about unsupervised visits with Wendy, but I felt strongly in the need of setting up supervised visits for Nicholas, due to his age, and the fact that George isn’t much of an infant person, and doesn’t deal well with babies on his own.

When I had finished telling my side, he got his turn, twisting the truth to fit his own twisted version of what had happened. It was sick and dark, making it sound as if we hit ‘each other’ often enough anyway. He kept shooting me “looks”, but again, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of looking at him.

I hated every minute we were in that courtroom. It just didn’t seem fair… The judge heard our sides, and that of the two witnesses I had there, and after his break, he announced that there would be no official ruling that day, but we would receive a ruling in 21 days. The temporary protection order would stay in effect until the judge made his decision. Again, George cannot have any parental contact with our children, and it saddened me to hear that. Wendy wants to see her daddy so bad she can’t see straight and often wakes up with night terrors asking for her daddy.

I don’t know what else to tell her except that her daddy is on a trip for the next few weeks, but will be coming home after he’s done with his trip. She doesn’t seem to understand, and it’s breaking my heart to see her cry for her daddy. The only thing that saddens me more than seeing my little girl cry, is knowing George didn’t fight harder with the judge to maybe get him to sway on the No Parental Contact part of the protection order.

I wish I knew what to do or say to my little girl to help her better understand whats going on. 😦

Haunted by the memories of what used to be…

I sincerely wish that there was a way to turn back time to keep certain things from happening.

I’m truely haunted by the many happiest moments wherever I go these days and it makes me just want to break down and cry. I never wanted any of this to happen. I wish my family wasn’t so broken.

I want to run to him and hug him and make things better, but I can’t. Now he’s facing real time in jail and my heart just breaks! I don’t know if Wendy will ever understand this for a long time. She just wants her daddy.

I just want my husband.

But I can’t fix this. I can’t fix any of it.

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A little world full of hurt…

When they say divorce isn’t a fun thing to experience, they aren’t kidding, but it only gets worse when there are little ones involved who just want to see their daddy. Nicholas, my littlest one, doesn’t know his daddy. My soon to be ex-husband really doesn’t seem to want to have much to do with him at all.

What do you say to a 3 year old who absolutely adores her daddy? What do you do when you run into the father with the little ones, whom you just can’t leave behind? It hurts so badly to see the hurt and pain in my little girls eyes, and the tears running down her cheeks as she screams for her daddy just kills me inside. Why does it have to be so hard for my little ones? Why can’t I have at least a few good answers for her as to why her daddy doesn’t want to spend time with her?

When it hurts her, it hurts me, and I can’t stand seeing her cry over her fathers loss of a bond with his daughter. Sure, he’ll spend time with his older son, and have fun going out to the sand dunes and riding their Hondas all day and half the night, or work on cars and 4-wheelers… He tells me he has no time to take care of the kids in any way shape or form, but I know for a fact that he rarely gets off the couch unless it’s something that benefits him. It’s what he did when we were together. He lays on the couch, getting up only to go to the bathroom, cook some food, go out for a smoke, or to go have some fun riding his 4-wheeler.

And then for me it’s either a game of “I Love You” or “I Hate You”… It’s all mixed up and jumbled. It occurred to me roughly a year ago that I didn’t love him quite the same way I used too, it was almost in fact as if I hadn’t loved him for a while. I just didn’t know what to make of it. The good times were vanishing fast, being replaced by lots of arguing, silent treatment, and sleepless nights where words that were said in anger became totally twisted and completely used in the wrong way.

I put a lot of work into my marriage, I don’t think I would have left from a lack of love, because in some small way I did love him, while I didn’t at the same time. It sounds stupid, but like I said, I didn’t know what to make of it, and I was confused. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met him, much less a marriage, I just wanted to have a baby, and he was willing to help me out. It sound terrible, but it’s the truth. I lost a lot when I left my husband. I lost my computer repair business, some of my happiness, but most of all, I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was when I left, all I knew was that I had to protect my kids. It has taken a few months to see the cycle I was repeatedly going through. And a lot of time in counseling. Thank heavens for a good counselor!

I went through my phases of denial, grief, mourning, and then acceptance. I don’t want to be loved one day and not the next. I have been adjusting well to being a single mom to two little kids. All I need to do now is find an apartment, get the kids settled, get the divorce moving (and hopefully finished ASAP), and hopefully find some peace in our lives.

I have a feeling that my kids are going to need some serious counseling as they grow up, because I know for a fact that I am NOT going to have all the answers. I wish I did though, for every thing that’s going to try and knock us down.

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